Tuesday 27th May 2008

My Mistress’s attempts at cooking biscuits she can eat have not been a spectacular success. She is eating them and I have offered to help but then I’ve been known to eat cat pooh so my assistance isn’t saying much. She has been trying to bake sweet oat cakes with just oats, sugar syrup and flavouring. To describe them as heavy would be an understatement. She got quite adventurous with the flavourings and I think on balance we have both concluded that the ones containing Southern Comfort and the ones with marmalade were the best. The ginger ones are probably best described as weird. I guess when there are so many things you can’t eat you have to be grateful for the ones you can. The marzipan made with orange flower water is also the weirdest batch of marzipan she has made, which when you tasted the one with maple syrup is really saying something! The oatcakes aren’t too bad if you dunk them in coffee, but then she’s not supposed to be having coffee anymore either. I’m just grateful that she’s cutting the coffee out slowly and I haven’t got to cope with her being all grouchy into the bargain.

The biscuits reminded me of the ‘dwarf bread’ weapons in some of the Terry Pratchett books. It can be used as a mean killing machine. I reckon if you threw one of these biscuits at someone you could cause them a serious injury, they may only kill if eaten but they could at least give someone a black eye if you were a good shot. Maybe you should be forced to carry a licence to possess them on the grounds of how dangerous they are. Although I must admit I’ve asked her to make some more of the marmalade ones and maybe mix some of the Southern Comfort into them too.