Sunday 17th June 2007

‘Murder she wrote’ has taken on a whole new meaning. My mistress spelt the word ‘murder’ out in melon for the starter. To be honest it was a bit creepy. Clearly it is unwise to let her loose with ‘cookie cutters’!

I have to give them their due, when my master and mistress had all the cutlery for wedding presents and more plates and bowls than even a human can need, I never thought they would actually find a way to use all of them at once. It’s a good job we’ve got a dishwasher as I would have drawn the line at having to lick that many. You won’t be surprised to learn that the meal involved orange sauce, being one of the few imaginative things my mistress knows how to cook. For his part my master entered into the spirit of it by having a ‘fake tan’ which on someone with such white skin was a bit of a shock to the system. The worry now is that he will get to like it and want it applied more often. My mistress did a much better job on him than she has ever managed to do on herself. The funniest bit is that his character was supposed to have an Australian accent. He might have got away with it as moderately authentic, had it not been for the Australians who were here playing other characters. At least he tried. It’s the ‘who dunnit’ bit that bothers me. It turned out it was my master. Now correct me if I’m wrong but if he can kill once I’m sure he can do it again. “It was only a game,” he said. But these things really aren’t so trivial. I’m worried for my mistress and me. When you start thinking about being killed by a spear in the conservatory! Well it doesn’t bear thinking about. Perhaps it’s a good job we haven’t got a conservatory.