Monday 26th June 2006

There has been a strange screeching noise at nights recently. Clearly it is some animal but we have no idea what it is. There have been suggestions of it being a mating call but it sounds more as though the animal in question is concluding that the possible mates are extremely ugly and is none too happy with the choice. Surely no other animal could be attracted by that sort of a sound? It is enough to make me cover my ears with my paws, not nearly as musical as my howling, although in fairness my howling is not a mating call. My mistress used to have a dog that would howl when it heard an ambulance or police siren. It seemed to think it was its ‘pack leader’ calling. It was all very well until she moved to live on the top of a valley above a hospital with a big accident and emergency department. They don’t put things like that in the estate agents details when they are selling a house to you. ‘Warning. Frequent sirens approaching the local hospital may upset your dog.’ It’s the sort of thing a dog should be able to get compensation for. The rate it is going I am going to try and claim compensation for distress from the animal round here doing the screeching, either that or persuade him to join a dating agency rather urgently.

This wedding thing is all getting too much for my mistress. She has started to have nightmares. The other night she dreamt that everything had gone wrong and she had to cycle to the church in her dress. Well I said to her she would probably be better walking, if she cycled she would get the dress caught in the wheels. She told me that was not an entirely helpful suggestion. I did think of trying to get her book of dreams down from the shelf and trying to interpret it but I’m guessing it is relatively straight forward to tell her she is getting married soon and she hasn’t finished the planning and is worrying about it! What do I care? I’m not going. Perhaps she will bring me some cake back – just the marzipan would be fine it is one of my favourites.

I had a very nasty experience the other day. I was out for a walk and squatted down to do my business, when I accidentally squatted on a thorny plant. Well I rushed out yelping and went to find another spot but it had given me quite a shock I can tell you. A dog should be able to do things like that in comfort not get prickled in places that shouldn’t be prickled!