Friday 16th June 2006

It has dawned on my mistress that it is less than a month until she gets married. It has dawned on me that she is going to become increasingly difficult to live with over the next few weeks. If I hear another word about which replies she has had in or what the menu is then I am going to scream. Now I realise that may seem a little intolerant but where is my invitation? I realise that I can’t go as my passport isn’t valid yet, but that shouldn’t have stopped her asking me. I could have been a stowaway, or maybe claimed refugee status just for long enough to attend the wedding. On the other hand I could have tried to buy a fake identity on the internet, I’ve read in books that you can do that. Mind you I wouldn’t know how to go about buying a fake I.D. I am presuming you don’t just type in ‘fake I.D. for a dog’ on Google and find the relevant site immediately appear. Just hang on I’ll try it.

Wow, I’ve lived a sheltered life. It seems that apart from news items about fake I.D’s I can find sites telling me how to make one as a human, sites telling me it is the sort of thing you might think of doing whilst intoxicated, which of course is not that likely for a dog and strangest of all but probably most useful, given my medical problems, I can buy fake ‘dog testicles’ for neutered dogs. Now you wouldn’t think that was the first thing you were going to find when searching for an I.D! Unfortunately they don’t actually work, so I am still back at square one with career options with ‘stud dog’ well and truly off the agenda. My mistress doesn’t seem to think I will make guard dog either, something about being too nice. I have befriended everyone who has set foot in the garden so far, even when I had never met them before. I bound up and wag my tail politely and introduce myself in the hope of getting some fuss. Alternatively I rush straight up to them with my ball or my frisbee in the hope that they will throw it for me. Most people will if you ask nicely.

It seems to be a week for strange things. I was at the airport the other day meeting one of my mistress’s friends and there was a girl waiting to meet someone from another flight who had obviously gone for the “I will be the one wearing a flower in my lapel” joke. Sure enough, she was wearing a flower. It was a four foot long, fake, pink sunflower with a face about a foot wide. I could immediately relate to her sense of humour and wondered if it would extend as far as my cocking my leg on it.