Monday 23rd May 2011

I’ve been thinking about the end of the world and I’m going to set up in business as a bookmaker. It’s brilliant. You can offer any odds anyone wants to take against the end of the world and you can’t lose. If they say they want ‘1000 to 1 on the world ending on May 24th’ it’s easy to say yes. Either the world ends and I won’t have to pay out or I win. It’s as simple as that. It’s the perfect business scenario. I wonder if there are any legal issues about a dog setting up business as a bookmaker who only takes bets on that one event?

Meanwhile back to the advice to you young pups. Now this is an important one so do take note. It’s great to chase your tail. The game is fantastic and you can go on for hours, but don’t ever catch it. Being taken by surprise by someone biting your tail is bad enough without finding it is something you have done to yourself. Always stay a good centimetre distance from the end to avoid unnecessary surprise. It also prolongs the game.

If you suffer from hayfever or other allergies and many of us do, it will not go down well if you sneeze all over your human’s feet, especially when they are wearing sandals or are completely bare footed. Proceeding to wipe your nose on their trousers or shorts (or leg) will only add insult to injury.

The couch or the duvet are always the best places to sleep whatever they tell you about the floor or your own bed. Just because they are paying for the furnishings doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get chance of using the best ones. Remind them that you would pay if only you were allowed to have your own bank account and failing that act like you want to cuddle up to them and use your puppy dog eyes to best effect, it works on all but the hardest hearted humans. Lengthy debates and argument about being their best friend and offering to share your things may wear them down over time, but will certainly not get the desired result as quickly.

Alfie Dog with a little help from Rosemary J Kind